Friday, April 21, 2006

Cascia's equation

At the bank tonight, we did a reunion kinda thingie for bunches of people who had gone to Cascia Hall, which is a private Catholic prep school here in Tulsa. Where:

C=Catholics
F=Free food
L=Free Liquor
and
T=Time

(300C + F + L) x T = absolute freakin' pandemonium

Wow. You want to talk about a zoo.

Also, I'm getting rather tired of the bank's "function" menu. Not that the food is bad, because it's not. It's just that I've been there for about two years now, and we still put the same food out there for pretty much every party that we do (aside from the Christmas parties, which are a whole other animal). I want variety! Yes, if something works well, you should stick with it - but only to a point. I guarantee that we could find another dozen things that work just as well without even trying hard, and then at least we could mix and match a little bit based on the makeup of the crowd in question.

But aside from that minor gripe, and the fact that tax season is over so the owner's about to be back at the bookstore all the time screwing things up for everybody, life rocks right now. I've got my tickets for South Carolina. I've got a new digital camera (random assorted pictures to follow once I get used to it). I'm getting a new mp3 player this weekend. I'm losing those last 15 pounds or so that I need to before I hit the beach. I've got money in the bank, the ol' Explorer is driving like a dream, I've been spending a good amount of time with some really good people, and I'm just plain happy.

Yay!

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever

So I'm watching "Christine," right? Well, no, I'm not watching it. It's on mostly for background noise whilst I putz around online waiting to get sleepy again. Whatever. My television is on, and there's a 1958 Plymouth Fury driving around curing Arnie Cunningham's pimples and killing people.

There's one scene in this movie that I always have to stop and watch, for the sheer joy of the carnage as well as for the hilariousness of The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever's decision. It's when Christine is going around town wreaking havoc and laying waste to all of Arnie's enemies. You know, the tough guys that beat her up and left Arnie a special present on the dashboard. There's the big showdown at the gas station where Christine smashes up Poor Man's Vinnie Barbarino's car and then plows it into the garage (remember when gas staions had garages?), running over one of the other tough guys in the process. Scratch one shitter. Of course, this ruptures PMVB's gas tank and causes a flood of gas to leak everywhere. Which, of course, is then set off by some random fire that was apparently burning in PMVB's car. Another shitter screams and burns. The gas station explodes. Christine comes screeching out of the flames in all her righteous glory. PMVB, appropriately horrified by the deaths of his two friends and the fiery spectre of his approaching doom, takes off running. Christine gets all like, "I'll be with you in a minute, dearie," and takes the time to run over a few gas pumps on her way out. The gas station, every car in the parking lot, and every single remaining gas pump then explode in succession, one by one, in The First Gas Station Explosion Visible From Space. Rawk. I love me some 'splosions.

After TFGSEVFS plays itself out, we catch up to PMVB just to see what he's up to. He's running like hell, which is about the smartest thing he's done in the whole entire movie. Not so tough now, are ya, boy? Yeah, see, the Flaming Death Car'll put the fear of God in ya. Too little too late, suckah. You goan' die. And I say it's the smartest thing he's done in the whole entire movie, but that's only from a certain point of view. I mean, running from the Flaming Death Car = smart. At the exact same time, however, he's being The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever. Special experts have recreated the thought process behind this stunning acheivement using dental records, stem cell milkshakes, and time travelling monkeys, and here for the first time ever are their results:

"I should run. Holy shit, it's a Flaming Death Car. Yes, run. Run run run. Oh my God that's a whole lot of explosions. I wonder if they can see that from space. Not bad, Flaming Death Car. Not bad at all. Usually I like destruction and evil pranks like this. Now I know how all those people that I always stepped on felt. I'm sorry! So sorry! If only I could escape the Flaming Death Car, I would so totally live the rest of my life making right what once went wrong. I would be a good boy. I would love orphans and scratch kitties behind the ears and everything. Oh, woe is me, how shall I escape the Flaming Death Car out here in the middle of nowhere where there's only one road? Oh, I know! Run RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ONLY ROAD! Right on the yellow line! Yes! Cars hate roads! It's genius!" *squoosh*

Thus ends the saga of The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever. Tune in next week when we give out the award for "Most Hilarious Display of a Tonka Truck as a Special Effect." Cheers, mates.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Weekend Update...

...but not with Dennis Miller. sigh. Those were the days.

Saturday night we headed out to the movies and caught "V For Vendetta." For those of you who may not know, it's based on a comic by Alan Moore. Alan Moore is one of those people who brought a badly-needed shot of respectability and depth to the comic book biz - he, Neil Gaiman, and Frank Miller (among several others, but these guys are the giants) did a lot to change the face of the industry over the past 20 years. And the comic version of V rocks. As such, I was a little bit afraid of the film, because I expected the story to be endlessly tweaked and a lot of the ideas to be watered down. Hollywood does that sometimes, you know. I also expected the Wachowski brothers to screw it all up in some way or another, because - well, look at what they did to the Matrix trilogy. Such a promising beginning, such a waste in the end.

The verdict? Well, I enjoyed myself, although some of the things I worried about did come to pass, at least to a degree. Visually, of course, it was stunning, and the action sequences were everything we've come to expect in the age of CGI. Most of the actors did a splendid job, although Hugo Weaving was bugging me from time to time. Which is weird, because I like him a lot. The film loses its way a bit, however, when it comes to the central ideas of Moore's work. For one, it seemed like the movie was made not necessarily because the original material was thought provoking and entertaining, but more because the central ideas are such hot-button issues for our times (thus generating crucial "buzz" for the film - nothing gets your name out there faster than a little controversy). Also, the original comics are honestly just too literary and dense to neatly fit into a two hour box. It's like - well, picture the movie as an ocean, if you will, and the heady ideas contained within as icebergs adrift in that sea. 10% of them may have been touched on in one way or another, but the other 90% were left lurking unseen and unexplored beneath the waves. Does that make any kind of sense? I can understand to a point why Moore dissociated himself from the project, although I do also think that he didn't need to be so pissy about it. Intelligent fans who love his work will always see the film and the comics as two separate entities, just as Stephen King fans look at Kubrick's version of "The Shining." The movie doesn't diminish the book, nor is one of them necessarily "worse" or "better" than the other. They're just different.

After that, it was drinkin' time. And drink we did. Hoo, boy, did we ever. The less said about that the better, I think, although a good time was had by all (you know who you are) and it was sorely needed. I didn't even really mind the inevitable hangover that followed early this morning, although I could also have definitely done without it.

Waking up early this morning on a couch that wasn't my own, I stumbled on home (figuratively, of course) to watch the early morning coverage of the rain-delayed third round of the Masters. Which ended up being a mistake, although it's hard for me to just ignore a television when there's a major being played. Even so, I could have saved myself some future grief by deciding to take a nap in the time before CBS's coverage of the final round started this afternoon. I didn't, though. I figured "I'll probably just sleep right through my alarm and miss all the action. I can just stay up, it's not like I got no sleep last night. I'll be cool."

Oops. I made it through the first half of the afternoon coverage, no problem - but right about the time that the leaders were making the turn, my body said "nuh-uh." And I crashed. Reeeeeally hard. Missed the rest of the tournament (yay Phil, and thanks for winning without any drama, so at least I don't have to be too upset about missing it), missed Gary heading upstairs to crash himself, missed everything else that may or may not have happened in my apartment between then and about 9:30 tonight. And missed my plans to hang out with a certain someone this evening, plans that have been on my mind for a week or more since she's been so all-fired busy and our schedules seem to always be at odds lately. And that's something that is probably going to get me into some hot water. Well, there's no probably to it. The only question is just how deep that water is going to be. And I can't even call tonight to apologize, because due to said all-fired busyness (that word always looks wrong to me), there's a better than average chance that she's already in bed thanks to the hellacious week that awaits her. Argh.

If there's an upside to my idiocy, it's that I did manage to wake up just early enough to catch the Cubs' most excellent 8th inning rally against the hated Cardinals. Michael Barrett, you rock. Nothing like a little comeback action to get the juices flowing, especially when said comeback includes a grand slam that leaves the park like it's tied to a rocket. And, of course, few things in life are as satisfying to a Cub fan as sweeping the Boobirds. Maybe this is the year? Nah, I doubt it. (Hi, Hank :op)

So. I'm off to write a lame email of sorritude (something's better than nothing, right?) and then maybe puzzle out just what form my forthcoming ass-kissing needs to take. Good times!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Albuquerque: The City That Cares

There's this pile of old newspapers that's been on my desk at work for a few weeks now. It'll probably be there for a few more, too, because I've got way too many things on my to-do list at the GUBAM to worry about a few tore-up and yellowing papers that my boss wants priced way too high anyway. See, he likes to buy stuff that nobody wants and then mark it at prices that nobody will ever pay. Apparently he doesn't like it when people actually buy his merchandise. He seems to want to keep it all forever and then build himself a big fat honkin' pyramid (actually, he wouldn't build the thing, it'd be more like "have Dan do it") so he can take it all with him when he dies. Not quite sure how he plans on finding anyone to mummify him in this day and age, however. Maybe he knows somebody that'll do it for trade credit.

Anyway. I digress.

So I'm leafing through these newspapers this morning, really just kinda wasting some time since I don't get to take smoke breaks anymore, when I come across an Albuquerque Journal from Friday morning, October 16, 1964 (RUSSIA OUSTS KHRUSHCHEV). In the upper left of the front page there's a smallish blurb with the heading "Today's Smile." I'm an inquisitive guy by nature, so I think to myself "hmm, I wonder what people were smiling about in October of 1964?" Also, I'm not quite done wasting time yet. So I read it.

Today's Smile
New Delhi (AP) - The exasperated city government has decided that about 100 slum families can just stay in the slums. They were allotted 240-square-foot tracts on which to escape their filthy ghettos and start life anew, but they quickly sold the plots to big landowners and moved back into the slums.

Ha ha! Those crazy poor people!

Is this really the sort of thing that America found amusing 40 years ago? Wow. Never mind if these poor folks desperately needed food, or if maybe they had a roof over their heads in the ghetto and kinda liked living indoors during monsoon season. Excessive poverty and human suffering are hilarious!