The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever

So I'm watching "Christine," right? Well, no, I'm not watching it. It's on mostly for background noise whilst I putz around online waiting to get sleepy again. Whatever. My television is on, and there's a 1958 Plymouth Fury driving around curing Arnie Cunningham's pimples and killing people.

There's one scene in this movie that I always have to stop and watch, for the sheer joy of the carnage as well as for the hilariousness of The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever's decision. It's when Christine is going around town wreaking havoc and laying waste to all of Arnie's enemies. You know, the tough guys that beat her up and left Arnie a special present on the dashboard. There's the big showdown at the gas station where Christine smashes up Poor Man's Vinnie Barbarino's car and then plows it into the garage (remember when gas staions had garages?), running over one of the other tough guys in the process. Scratch one shitter. Of course, this ruptures PMVB's gas tank and causes a flood of gas to leak everywhere. Which, of course, is then set off by some random fire that was apparently burning in PMVB's car. Another shitter screams and burns. The gas station explodes. Christine comes screeching out of the flames in all her righteous glory. PMVB, appropriately horrified by the deaths of his two friends and the fiery spectre of his approaching doom, takes off running. Christine gets all like, "I'll be with you in a minute, dearie," and takes the time to run over a few gas pumps on her way out. The gas station, every car in the parking lot, and every single remaining gas pump then explode in succession, one by one, in The First Gas Station Explosion Visible From Space. Rawk. I love me some 'splosions.

After TFGSEVFS plays itself out, we catch up to PMVB just to see what he's up to. He's running like hell, which is about the smartest thing he's done in the whole entire movie. Not so tough now, are ya, boy? Yeah, see, the Flaming Death Car'll put the fear of God in ya. Too little too late, suckah. You goan' die. And I say it's the smartest thing he's done in the whole entire movie, but that's only from a certain point of view. I mean, running from the Flaming Death Car = smart. At the exact same time, however, he's being The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever. Special experts have recreated the thought process behind this stunning acheivement using dental records, stem cell milkshakes, and time travelling monkeys, and here for the first time ever are their results:

"I should run. Holy shit, it's a Flaming Death Car. Yes, run. Run run run. Oh my God that's a whole lot of explosions. I wonder if they can see that from space. Not bad, Flaming Death Car. Not bad at all. Usually I like destruction and evil pranks like this. Now I know how all those people that I always stepped on felt. I'm sorry! So sorry! If only I could escape the Flaming Death Car, I would so totally live the rest of my life making right what once went wrong. I would be a good boy. I would love orphans and scratch kitties behind the ears and everything. Oh, woe is me, how shall I escape the Flaming Death Car out here in the middle of nowhere where there's only one road? Oh, I know! Run RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ONLY ROAD! Right on the yellow line! Yes! Cars hate roads! It's genius!" *squoosh*

Thus ends the saga of The Dumbest Movie Guy Ever. Tune in next week when we give out the award for "Most Hilarious Display of a Tonka Truck as a Special Effect." Cheers, mates.